Sitting In The Dark

I always find myself sitting alone in the dark. The only light that shines is the burning cherry of my cigarette. I can't look around and see my ashtray so I just flick them on the hardwood floor beneath me. I search and reach for my side table next to my bed. It has a glass filled to the brim with warm bourbon. My fingertips trace over the rim of the glass and I grasp it. I take a sip and and love the burn that races down my throat along with the warm liquid! Clouds of smoke waft around me though they can't be seen through the darkness. Sorrows embedded in the smokescreen. Head floats about in the sky. The girl might pretend she is listening, but the girl is incredibly high.

"Oh What Dirty Little Details"

Its always the details of a situation that take up the most space in my mind. Remembering the smell of someones skin or the look someone gives only to you. The heat from someone else's body and the taste of their lips.
You get so dirty once the sun goes down and you don't want anyone else to know. But don't worry... It'll be our little secret.

Thanx For Always Noticing The Big Picture... and also for the attention to detail!

Just Call Me A Dirty Whore...

Go ahead, I like that shit. I'm here trying to let you know that I'm not this fragile, dainty little girl. Even though I'm really small (I'm only 4'11!) I can take a beating!!! Please beat me! I'm begging for it! I dont know how much longer I can take this!! I love being wrestled to the ground and bitten. I like having my hair pulled and having obscenities yelled at me. I like being controlled and being submissive! I like being yanked from across a room and bent over!!!! I like dirty talking. It makes me want to do anything and try everything. Anything that I can do to make you happy! Bend me over your knee and spank me or something. Do things that make me call you "Daddy". Slap me around and call me a filthy bitch. Really, I dont mind...

Man, I'm a dirty motherfucker! Sheesh, I can hardly take it my own self! Yes I know I'm a nasty slut. Its okay... you can call me that sometimes.

So this is my letter to you. No... scratch that. Its more like an announcement. Its okay. Give me all you got and even more if you can muster. Give to me until you aint gots no more, and remember...

Its Okay To Call Me A Dirty Whore!!

Packing Up

I'm packing up all my clothes today. Finally getting started with this moving process. I found a few boxes in my dads basement yesterday morning and woke up today and started to work. As any of my friends would tell you, I am not at all excited about this move. The reason why becomes more and more apparent to me the more I pack all my things. I took down all my picture frames displayed on my wall. I sat down for a second to look at all the pictures and thought of all the memories I've had here. The gatherings we had, the music that was written. The cocktails I made and the conversations I've had. I made this space, "MY" space. And now I was leaving it for good to go start memories in a new place. But sadly... I don't think they'll ever compare.

Fit To Be Tied

As a proud member of the BDSM submissive culture, I have run into alot of interesting characters in my sexually mischievous lifetime. Last night I met this beautiful pre-op trans-gender woman who had recently had breast implant surgery. She was so nice and full of energy even though she was still very early into her recovery process. "They're beautiful" I finally attain the guts to tell her. I don't know what size implants she received but I could tell that she was now a nice full B-cup, and they fit her body well. She asked me if I wanted to touch them, and me being me... how in the hell could I say no?!?!
She lifted her shirt to reveal a Victoria Secret Classic Push Up bra. Then to my delight, she unclasped her bra and let her brand new, exposed breasts, fall naturally. They were a great pair of boobs. She had small, dark pink nipples. They looked perfect. There was barely any scar tissue left on the underside the breast where the incision was made. She healed up very nicely!!
I reached out my hand to touch them and upon immediate skin to skin contact, a jolt of static electricity ran though both our bodies. She just quivered slightly and smiled alluringly. I finished fondling her and noticed that her pre-op penis was nice and erect. "Had I turned her on?!?!" I asked myself silently. I managed to pry my eyes away from her cock and looked up at her smiling face once more. She quietly fixed her clothing and strutted sexily away. The answer to my question was "yes".
That had to have been the hottest thing I had ever physically laid eyes on. I continued to stalk her at our groups meeting place and noticed that she was teaching a man in a lovely silk shirt, how to tie decent knots. Having a little education in the subject myself, I decided to join their conversation.
I looked on in awe at her technique and fantasized about how she got so good. The man in silk was skeptical and seemed very perturbed of the whole idea of bondage. Not needing much more invitation than that, i raised my hand and volunteered to be her test dummy for the night.
Throughout the entire evening I was her submissive pet in all her demonstrations. She got to show everyone at our meeting how to safely and seductively tie her love knots. Every time we finished a demonstration and she let me go, I longed to be her captive once more. To be her slave and call her master.
But, sadly our night ended with a whole lot of dirty thoughts and fantasies and not enough action for my taste. But thats ok... next time she's mine (or I'll be her's). LOL!!!

Eisoptrophobia

- The Fear Of Mirrors...

I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I feel so ashamed at myself sometimes. When I look at my reflection, I delve into all my imperfections and wonder how they got there. I sometimes look at the way that my imperfections have changed me over time. I find myself thinking about the kind of person I would be if I didn't live with those imperfections everyday. I speculate the idea of replacing the memories I have of my scars and blemishes with the thoughts of my perfect vision of my perfect world.
But then I stare back at myself in the mirror once more. I focus on the imperfections again and bring myself back to reality. I fix my make-up and primp my hair. I fix my clothes and walk out the door with a tortured smile on my face and go about the rest of my day.

Dirty Laundry

I hate finding out some new personal details about someone that I've already been intimate with. I sometimes wish that I could find more people who would just put all their cards on the table and let me know whats what from the beginning.
From the first day we met I told you that I wasn't looking for anything serious and that I really only wanted you in my life for my own sexual escapades. People like you make me sick. You agree to something you feel would be good for both of us, then recant because after a few days you claim you want "more from me". What in the hell does that mean anyway? You've only known me on a personal level for a few short days and now you want "more from me"? You have severe abandonment issues that you need to have taken care of, and after noticing your attitude, I don't want to have anything to do with it. Even though you're sexy I can't make myself be bothered! lol

Hard To Focus

After the week I've been having, I'm finding it extremely difficult to focus on one thing at a time. I don't know if its the problems I'm having at work or the problems I'm having at home. I seem to be stressed in every aspect of my life and its started effecting my decision making process. I feel fucked (and not in a good way). I'm sick of always having to "handle a situation". I'm sick and tired of this fucking situation.

Im Over It Please...

Phallophobia

- The Fear Of Penis...
Its not the actual penis that terrifies me. In a sense I have extreme penis envy. I love the shape, the taste (of most lol!!), the pleasure it brings me, and even the white creamy pleasure juice that I have the power to drive out of man when he passes the point of no return. I love every part of the cock... but the vulnerability that comes with that love is frightening. I feel almost powerless against the intoxication of a fully erect mass of flesh and nerves. I get weak in the knees and short of breath. My hands clam up and my jaw clenches. I must touch it, taste it, rub it. I must make it feel pleasure and satisfaction. And I have to be honest, this infatuation that I have with cock is baffling.
Why is it that I let a body part have so much control over me? When a beautiful piece of man meat is staring me in the face, I completely loose myself in lust and anticipation.
Something has to be done about this.
Maybe I'll start going to Sexaholic Anonymous meetings! lol

You're Not Ready So Please Stop Acting Like You Are...

If you claim to care for me, look out for me, love me even, then why would you say the things you say to me? I let you in my life to be shat on by you're ego? How fair is it to me if I am able to bend over backwards for you and receive nothing but a nod and a sarcastic wave in return?
If I were in you're position and received nearly as much love and care as you do from so many people, I would be content and happy and thankful for those gifts of appreciation. I would be kind and honest and and a wonderful person. The sad part of this is that you are all of those things. But you're also manipulative and spiteful, and condescending.
You were one of the few women I called friend and now I call you enemy. How dare you say that my prize for loving you is that I get to have a "person like me" to stand in my corner? How dare you say such things when you're never in my corner? Never there when I have a question and never there when I need advice? You're never there and you're not ready to have a relationship with anyone no less a relationship with me.
This Song Is Dedicated To You...
You Really Aren't Ready So Please Stop Acting Like You Are.