Packing Up

I'm packing up all my clothes today. Finally getting started with this moving process. I found a few boxes in my dads basement yesterday morning and woke up today and started to work. As any of my friends would tell you, I am not at all excited about this move. The reason why becomes more and more apparent to me the more I pack all my things. I took down all my picture frames displayed on my wall. I sat down for a second to look at all the pictures and thought of all the memories I've had here. The gatherings we had, the music that was written. The cocktails I made and the conversations I've had. I made this space, "MY" space. And now I was leaving it for good to go start memories in a new place. But sadly... I don't think they'll ever compare.

Fit To Be Tied

As a proud member of the BDSM submissive culture, I have run into alot of interesting characters in my sexually mischievous lifetime. Last night I met this beautiful pre-op trans-gender woman who had recently had breast implant surgery. She was so nice and full of energy even though she was still very early into her recovery process. "They're beautiful" I finally attain the guts to tell her. I don't know what size implants she received but I could tell that she was now a nice full B-cup, and they fit her body well. She asked me if I wanted to touch them, and me being me... how in the hell could I say no?!?!
She lifted her shirt to reveal a Victoria Secret Classic Push Up bra. Then to my delight, she unclasped her bra and let her brand new, exposed breasts, fall naturally. They were a great pair of boobs. She had small, dark pink nipples. They looked perfect. There was barely any scar tissue left on the underside the breast where the incision was made. She healed up very nicely!!
I reached out my hand to touch them and upon immediate skin to skin contact, a jolt of static electricity ran though both our bodies. She just quivered slightly and smiled alluringly. I finished fondling her and noticed that her pre-op penis was nice and erect. "Had I turned her on?!?!" I asked myself silently. I managed to pry my eyes away from her cock and looked up at her smiling face once more. She quietly fixed her clothing and strutted sexily away. The answer to my question was "yes".
That had to have been the hottest thing I had ever physically laid eyes on. I continued to stalk her at our groups meeting place and noticed that she was teaching a man in a lovely silk shirt, how to tie decent knots. Having a little education in the subject myself, I decided to join their conversation.
I looked on in awe at her technique and fantasized about how she got so good. The man in silk was skeptical and seemed very perturbed of the whole idea of bondage. Not needing much more invitation than that, i raised my hand and volunteered to be her test dummy for the night.
Throughout the entire evening I was her submissive pet in all her demonstrations. She got to show everyone at our meeting how to safely and seductively tie her love knots. Every time we finished a demonstration and she let me go, I longed to be her captive once more. To be her slave and call her master.
But, sadly our night ended with a whole lot of dirty thoughts and fantasies and not enough action for my taste. But thats ok... next time she's mine (or I'll be her's). LOL!!!

Eisoptrophobia

- The Fear Of Mirrors...

I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I feel so ashamed at myself sometimes. When I look at my reflection, I delve into all my imperfections and wonder how they got there. I sometimes look at the way that my imperfections have changed me over time. I find myself thinking about the kind of person I would be if I didn't live with those imperfections everyday. I speculate the idea of replacing the memories I have of my scars and blemishes with the thoughts of my perfect vision of my perfect world.
But then I stare back at myself in the mirror once more. I focus on the imperfections again and bring myself back to reality. I fix my make-up and primp my hair. I fix my clothes and walk out the door with a tortured smile on my face and go about the rest of my day.

Dirty Laundry

I hate finding out some new personal details about someone that I've already been intimate with. I sometimes wish that I could find more people who would just put all their cards on the table and let me know whats what from the beginning.
From the first day we met I told you that I wasn't looking for anything serious and that I really only wanted you in my life for my own sexual escapades. People like you make me sick. You agree to something you feel would be good for both of us, then recant because after a few days you claim you want "more from me". What in the hell does that mean anyway? You've only known me on a personal level for a few short days and now you want "more from me"? You have severe abandonment issues that you need to have taken care of, and after noticing your attitude, I don't want to have anything to do with it. Even though you're sexy I can't make myself be bothered! lol

Hard To Focus

After the week I've been having, I'm finding it extremely difficult to focus on one thing at a time. I don't know if its the problems I'm having at work or the problems I'm having at home. I seem to be stressed in every aspect of my life and its started effecting my decision making process. I feel fucked (and not in a good way). I'm sick of always having to "handle a situation". I'm sick and tired of this fucking situation.

Im Over It Please...

Phallophobia

- The Fear Of Penis...
Its not the actual penis that terrifies me. In a sense I have extreme penis envy. I love the shape, the taste (of most lol!!), the pleasure it brings me, and even the white creamy pleasure juice that I have the power to drive out of man when he passes the point of no return. I love every part of the cock... but the vulnerability that comes with that love is frightening. I feel almost powerless against the intoxication of a fully erect mass of flesh and nerves. I get weak in the knees and short of breath. My hands clam up and my jaw clenches. I must touch it, taste it, rub it. I must make it feel pleasure and satisfaction. And I have to be honest, this infatuation that I have with cock is baffling.
Why is it that I let a body part have so much control over me? When a beautiful piece of man meat is staring me in the face, I completely loose myself in lust and anticipation.
Something has to be done about this.
Maybe I'll start going to Sexaholic Anonymous meetings! lol

You're Not Ready So Please Stop Acting Like You Are...

If you claim to care for me, look out for me, love me even, then why would you say the things you say to me? I let you in my life to be shat on by you're ego? How fair is it to me if I am able to bend over backwards for you and receive nothing but a nod and a sarcastic wave in return?
If I were in you're position and received nearly as much love and care as you do from so many people, I would be content and happy and thankful for those gifts of appreciation. I would be kind and honest and and a wonderful person. The sad part of this is that you are all of those things. But you're also manipulative and spiteful, and condescending.
You were one of the few women I called friend and now I call you enemy. How dare you say that my prize for loving you is that I get to have a "person like me" to stand in my corner? How dare you say such things when you're never in my corner? Never there when I have a question and never there when I need advice? You're never there and you're not ready to have a relationship with anyone no less a relationship with me.
This Song Is Dedicated To You...
You Really Aren't Ready So Please Stop Acting Like You Are.

Giving Thanx Where Thanx Is Due

Thanx everyone so much for all of your support. I love you all and don't know where I would be in life without you!

The Echo of Silence

"The Silence Scares Me Cause It Screams The Truth" - Pink.
I've been sitting here all alone in my house today trapped by my own thoughts and debilitated by sadness. I will never understand why the people in this world attack those who are most comfortable in their lives. Its always been established that "Misery Loves Company" but has anyone ever asked why that is? I thought that the people in life who gave respect would get respect in return. But it seems as though that is not the case. I think that because I'm a female, and tiny in stature, and bisexual, and "relatively attractive", that I get the least respect possible. I think that I've officially gotten sick of being a fucking target! But sadly I feel that will never change. I refuse to alter anything about myself or my physical apperance, to make me seem less of a mark.
I've been sitting here by myself, alone with my thoughts and reviewing the last couple days events and think that some people were put on this earth to be prey. This is such a terrible thought but it's weighing on my mind. I don't know though. I'm seriously daunted by the whole situation. The silence just makes it worse.

Stronger Than Her Pain

This is the only way I can describe how I feel right now.
Hope You Njoy.
Here is an acoustic performance of "Fully Alive" by Flyleaf.

Thanx For Being A Bitch...

On my way home from the bar last night I was attacked and robbed by 2 men. They made off with the little bit of cash i had on me, all my identification, my new Nikon camera (because I'm an art student and love random point and click photography), my ipod, and my journal that held everything in this life that I hold precious to me.
Music I've written, lyrics and poetry, and all my past and future ideas for photos. They pistol whipped me over the head and stole some of the most valuable things I own. But the funny part of this story is that they followed me on a bus. A BRIGHTLY LIT bus. So not only do I know what they look like and what they were wearing, but the bus we were on was outfitted with surveillance camera's.
I'm just really happy that they only made off with purse and not my life. I fought back so they could have easily decided to really hurt me after they received what they wanted. But I'm safe and thats all that matters right?!?!?!
All I have to say to the pussies out there who have to rob a small woman like me instead of going out and earning a real living... Thanx For Being A Bitch And I Will See You In Hell!!

In Her Time of Need

So after work last night, I was invited out to dinner with Penn. We went to a little greasy spoon by her apartment that actually sold pretty decent food. We sat for a couple hours and talked about everything under the sun while we ate. She told me how proud of herself she was for coming out on day 5 of her withdrawal process even though she was still having pain. "I needed to come out into the world again" she said to me. "Heroin takes away your ability to socialize and function properly in society". I looked at her in awe and wondered what event took place that made her realize she had hit rock bottom. So I asked her not expecting a reply, but surprisingly, I received one anyway.
"I wasn't getting high." she told me honestly. "I would go through bags a day and still not get high. I was spending up to $400 a day chasing a buzz." Knowing all to well what that was like, I cupped her hand, looked into her eyes, and told her that I wasn't gonna let this shit kill her. I cared for her way too much to let a substance take her away. I felt closer to her than ever in that moment. I felt so much love from her in response that the passion that radiated off the both of us, from then on, could not be contained. We ended dinner early and went back to her place where we shared a beautiful rest of the evening. I left her apartment with a huge smile on my face and went back home to my loving fiancée and capped off our night with a glass of merlot and some chocolate covered strawberries (wink, wink).

Comedy/Tragedy

Ugh... When will people learn that not everything is funny? A frequent customer of mine came into the store today. She was one of those older women who never buys anything, but comes in to try out all the products. I greeted her at the door and noticed that she asked me for a shopping bag. Ecstatic I promptly gave her one and asked what she was looking for. Its grad season and her granddaughter was graduating high school tomorrow in top 3 of her class. The smile on her face as she told me that could light up the entire gloomy mall in which the store resides. "First woman in my family to graduate high school" she tells me merrily. I smile back at her sweetly and say "Now that deserves a gift!"
I take her through all the good smelling, pretty packaged, and brightly colored gifts the store has to offer and even suggest the gift card route so her graduate can come and pick something out for herself. She finally decides on a big custom made basket filled with lots of goodies for her body and her future college dorm. I lead her to the "cash wrap" to check her out and wrap her gifts in brightly colored paper. She thanks me earnestly before I tell her the total and tells me that I was such a "great help".
Her total came to $46.98 after tax and she pulls out her wallet with a roll of twenties ans 2 rolls of quarters. "How many twenties is that?" she asked quietly.
My heart sank and my blood pressure dropped. I almost started to cry. I help her count out her cash and change, hand her a receipt and thank her for stopping by. I walk away from the register and notice a co-worker of mine laughing himself to tears.
"I'm so happy that you find American illiteracy comical." He disregards my comment completely and waves me off laughing maniacally. I shrug my shoulders and think back to a moment I had near my house yesterday. It seems as though his entire family share the same jaded views of the world and the same heinously abysmal sense of humor.

Shut Up and Die!!!

So I have recently decided to add a new mantra to my never ending list of inspirational statements. But lately my statements have been getting darker and darker. It went from "Never look back unless it makes you smile" to "All good things come to an end". Then it was "The Darker The Soul, The Better The Sex" and now its just plain "Shut Up and Die!!!!"
Have you ever met a person that you just wanted to kill on sight? Someone whose presence disturbed you so much, that for a split second you thought to yourself "Life in prison can't be that difficult"?
Well I just met someone on the street today on my way home from the store who just surpassed every level of patience I have and pushed every one of my buttons.
His name was Jason and he will now be referred to as "that prick"!!!
I met him via some friends of mine at work and as it turns out, that prick takes residence on my street. Now admittedly I wasn't paying any attention at all (jamming to Escape The Fate on my ipod) when I literally ran into him on the street. "Oh I am so sorry" I say "Oh hey I know you... you're Terrys brother!!". With that, the prick takes a long look at me up and down and instantly says "I'm not interested". Confuzzled I reply "Interested in what???" He stared at me angrily and said "What ever it is you're selling". Obviously perplexed I asked him what he meant. This he tells me verbatim... "You're cute and all but I don't fuck black chicks and I certainly don't pay for sex!!" Appalled and outraged, I said "EXCUSE ME??? DID I JUST FUCKING HEAR YOU RIGHT??? Did Terry tell you I was a prostitute?!?!"
Not only did he just insult my ENTIRE race, but that prick just called me a fucking whore!!! "No he didn't" was his reply "but you look like the type." I assumed he was referring to the way I was dressed and looked down at my very well coordinated outfit and laughed. I was wearing a very tiny pink ruffled skirt with long black leggings underneath, with black flipflops and a grey and pink top. "Well in my opinion I am the best dressed and classiest whore that I've ever met (and I've met a few) and you Sir, must have the most jaded and ignorant view of the fucking world!! Go somewhere, slit your fucking wrists, Shut up, and DIE!!!"
THANX BOO AND GNITE!!!

Heroin Is A Bitch!!!

So.... Heroin sucks and its extremly hard to kick. In my last post I talked to you about a friend of mine who we are trying to help with her habit. She is still doing well and says she never wants to "touch the stuff again". I'm so proud of her in all her progress and commend her for trying to quit. Its hard ladies and gentleman and right now she's stuck at her house completely debilitated from the dope sickness. She called me this morn at about 11am telling me how she hates herself for being in this position and how low her self-esteem has gotten. Penn is such a beautiful woman and it kills me to see her in such pain. So the course of action I took was to tell her to meet me at work. I work at Bath&Bodyworks where the sales people are paid to be the happiest and most energetic people on the planet. You come into B&B and our job as sales associates is to make you feel and be beautiful. We have outstanding customer service and are paid to make your day.
So she comes in and I show her all the new products we have to offer her and demo them all to show her all the great things that not only make you feel good, but are created to up your self-esteem. Everyone there (especially me) was so helpful and kind and we all genuinely want every customer to leave with a smile on their face.
She told me as she was leaving that this visit really helped her find some center and took her mind off her struggle even if it was just for a half an hour.
I was so pleased with myself in the fact that my efforts (no matter how small) were truly appreciated and she was truly able to leave the store feeling great about herself!!!

I Love You Penn And I Wish You The Best

Cult Of Xtacy

So recently Poe and I have taken on the task to help a friend kick Heroin. Penn is on day 3 now and is doing really well!! She says she's no longer having cravings but the dope sickness is almost unbearable(btw... heroin is the worst and cheapest drug in existence! plz stay away!!). So to help her over the sickness we would sit around and keep her company and sometimes do other drugs that she has no addiction to, to keep her body buzzed and the pain low (no one said what we do is right but it does help. its the same as giving a heroin addict methadone in the hospital without the sterility and the judgmental stares!). I must say that you learn alot about a person when you sit and get high with them. Penn is such a good kind soul and doest deserve the pain she's going through!! Keep her in your hearts and wish her well. For the next 6 days of this withdrawal process I will be keeping posts of Penns progress.

I Love You Penn And I Will Always Have Your Back!!!!

Hazardous Material

We've all fallen victim to a phenomena I like to call the "Single Shuffle". Thats when single people (male and female) decide that they have been single for so long that they decide to play for the other team and be gay for awhile.

Here's My Issue:
1. If you haven't known for 85% of your life that you were gay or bi, then you cant just up and decide "Hey i'm gonna bat for this team for awhile and see where that gets me" just because you're DEPRESSED!!! Ladies... You dont need a girlfriend to drop kick you're ass out of depression, you need Prozac!!!
2. You ARE NOT GAY if you're only gay for one person!!!!
3. If you are not really gay and you hit on a gay, bi, trans-gender person they probably wont be attracted to you because not only are you lying to them... but you're lying to yourself and that, ladies and gentleman, is NOT attractive!!!!

Children R Skary

I am absolutely in love with these animated shorts called Children R Skary! You can look at all of the videos yourself at skary.net but here is my favorite one!!

Hope You Njoy!!!

Early Morning Bullshyt

Last night around 12:30am I got a phone call from my best friend of many years. Bee had some burning questions about me and my fiancées relationship. Poe and I have an amazing open relationship where we are both free to have other intimate and meaningful relationships other than our own. we have rules and regulations that both must obied by at all times. Rules set down and discussed way before we even decided to officially take the open relationship route.
Well Bee called me crying her eyes out because she recently suggested to her boifriend of several yrs to agree to an open relationship. He accepted and they both promptly went about finding their second mate. The problem arose when she started feeling the same way about the new guy as she did her boifriend. she began seeing him everyday and sometimes even invited him over her place to share her bed.
Little did she know however, her boifriend started doing the same thing. He would share his bed with the new woman and seeing as how Bee spent most of her time out with boi toy #2, he used the time that he would've spent with Bee, with this other woman. I said ok thats fine... I have no place to comment on the dynamic of someone elses relationship. If it works for them, then why should anyone else care right?!?!? Well she continued to tell me of how great of guys they both are and how wonderful they were in bed and she suddenly stopped.
I could tell that she took the phone away from her ear and started sobbing. She continued to tell me about how everything was going fine until one day on her birthday (which has just passed recently) she called and asked to see him and spend time with him on her special day, and he declined saying that he had "other plans". "Other Plans" meant that he was knee deep in some other pussy and sharing an 8 ball of coke. Now Bee was bruised by this but not completely damaged. But then came the real drama.
Bee's boifriend had no problems telling anyone who would listen that he was in an open relationship. He told everyone male, or female. So later on that day, Bee went to the salon to get her hair and nails redone. A ritual she followed through with every 2 weeks. at the salon she began talking with her stylist about everything that was new and wonderful in her relationships (despite the recent burn) and her plans for the rest of her B-Day. Her stylist laughed and jeered along with Bee and began making jokes of her own. Now, usually this is fine. but today she let slip some information that the stylist had no idea was supposed to be secret. Apparently not only had her boifriend been seeing this one other woman, but he also started seeing men!!!! Mortified, Bee asked the stylist how she knew. "Cuz the guy he's seeing is my brother! They've been hanging out for a while now..." With that info Bee was reeling!!! She had no problem with bisexuality (seeing as how Bee was Bi herself!!) she just wondered why he lied about it!! And if he lied about that, what else was he lying about?!?!
So now all caught up with the situation, she asked me how Poe and I make it work when both of us are Bi and we have an open relationship. The answer was actually pretty simple... "The reason we work so well is cuz we have been honest with each other from the beginning!" I could practically hear the crickets on the other end of the line. "We had rules from the beginning you see." I continued. "First, honesty is always the best policy and anyone who thinks different, isn't ready for an open relationship. The 2 of you should have sat down and discussed what you would need out of you're main partner and what you're partner would need out of you to make things work. Both of you each need specific promises out of one another to be able to deal with the jealousy, and drama. Second and most important is trust. If you cant trust the one you're with then an open relationship is doomed from the start!!
What it all breaks down to is OPEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE!!! Not every couple is mentally prepared to have an open relationship. If its not for you then it just won't work.